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Sarcasm: because beating people is illegal

Sarcasm: because beating people is illegal

Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate

Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate

I followed my heart. It led me to the fridge

I followed my heart. It led me to the fridge

Brain has too many tabs open

Brain has too many tabs open

I don't sweat—I sparkle (under pressure)

I don't sweat—I sparkle (under pressure)

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?

Running late is my cardio

Running late is my cardio

If life gives you lemons, add vodka

If life gives you lemons, add vodka

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it

Procrastinate today. Panic tomorrow

Procrastinate today. Panic tomorrow

I’m not weird—I’m a limited edition

I’m not weird—I’m a limited edition

I’m not weird—I’m a limited edition

I’m not weird—I’m a limited edition

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do

I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me

I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me

Friday is my second favorite F-word

Friday is my second favorite F-word

Mondays should be optional

Mondays should be optional

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

I whisper ‘WTF’ to myself at least 20 times a day

I whisper ‘WTF’ to myself at least 20 times a day

I’m silently correcting your grammar

I’m silently correcting your grammar

I’m not a hot mess. I’m a spicy disaster

I’m not a hot mess. I’m a spicy disaster

Sass mode: Activated

Sass mode: Activated

Don’t grow up. It’s a trap

Don’t grow up. It’s a trap

Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues

Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues

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